I want to put the brakes on one of my motoring pet hates

PETER KAY would have been proud of the perfect comic timing with which I rediscovered one of my motoring pet hates the other night.

Four of us had spent a very long day working at the Goodwood Revival – an enormous celebration of the cars, clothes and culture your mum and dad used to enjoy in the early 1960s – and we’d broken out of the long traffic jams on the nearby roads to venture into nearby Chichester for dinner. While we’d all embraced the 1960s theme and were dressed from head to foot in marvellously silly period costumes, I’m ashamed to admit the car I’d brought along was a not even remotely period, 11-reg Volkswagen Passat.

A truly accomplished cruiser of a car, but one with a nasty surprise.

It was just outside the city’s branch of Pizza Hut that I nosed past my chosen parking spot, flicked the gear lever into reverse and gently backed the German repmobile favourite into the bay perfectly, the VW badges on the alloy wheels lined up perfectly with the painted white lines on either side.

As I switched off and we clambered out of the car I turned to my colleagues to share my smug moment of Passat parking prowess.

“Never let it be said that Mr Simister can’t park a car”. As I finished my sentence I was met with a mixture of shrieks as the Passat started rolling forward, as though it were on a mission to turn the adjacent Italian restaurant into a drive-thru of its own accord. The people of Chichester were treated to the sight of four men – three of them dressed in tweed suits and the other as a 1960s F1 pit mechanic – fleeing a runaway Volkswagen. 

I realised my moment of motoring brilliance had been cruelly taken from me - by the electronic parking brake!

I’ve driven a couple of cars equipped with such devices, and I hate all of them because they replace something perfectly good with a system that’s as best clunky and at worst downright dangerous. The Pizza Hut parking calamity might have generated an entire night of mickey-taking at my expense, but a couple of us did find it genuinely trickier to set off on hills without the finesse a proper handbrake affords you. The split second you have to wait for the computerised system to strut its stuff, we found all too often, was that split second you needed when pulling out at a busy junction.

What was wrong with the old-fashioned handbrake? It is, like the manually-operated gear lever, a perfectly good device that’s being slowly phased out by car makers. I’d love to be proven wrong by one that works properly, but until then I’ll maintain they just aren’t as good as the proper handbrakes they’re increasingly replacing.

Next year, I’ll have to embrace the Goodwood period thing properly and go in my MGB. Largely because it doesn’t roll into Italian restaurants when you park it.

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The Volkswagen XL1 is more important than you might think

I CAN only conclude David Cameron’s vow to get tough on all those City bankers is finally having an effect.

Why else would Volkswagen launch a car which – as far as I can tell – is designed specifically with them in mind? The rising stars of RBS, HBOS and Lloyds have long had a fascination with flashy German metal, as evidenced by all those Porsche 944 Turbos the Gordon Gekko generation drove in the 1980s and all the Audi R8s which have been lining London’s shinier streets these last few years.

However, all those efforts to get tough on bankers’ bonuses must be having an effect because the latest bit of German exotica to hit Britain’s roads uses a combination of an 800cc diesel engine and an electric motor rather than a whopping great V10. It’s also considerably smaller than a Ford Fiesta, won’t do 100mph and will be comprehensively outdragged at the lights by a diesel Skoda Fabia.

Yet the Volkswagen XL1 costs £98,515, making it more expensive than the BMW M5, the Porsche 911, the Maserati Granturismo and the Jaguar F-type. In essence, it’s a small city car you’d need to be on a Fred Goodwin-esque salary to even contemplate affording – and I still love it.

The XL1, aside from having a wonderfully sci-fi moniker which renders it cool in an instant, is significant because it opens up a whole new front in the long-running war of the supercars. Put simply, it does for MPG what the McLaren F1 and the Bugatti Veyron did for MPH. I’m aware of the irony of blowing the best part of a hundred grand on a car which takes saving money at the pumps to the extreme, but it somehow ekes 282 miles out a gallon. Try doing that in your Ecoboost Focus.


Doing 282mpg would – at the current going rate for diesel - get you from The Champion’s front door to Land’s End for a little over £8, and in a mad miniature two-seater which looks a bit like a Mercedes 300SL Gullwing crossed with something out of The Jetsons. Somehow, I think pursuing the edges of what’s possible with fuel economy has got to be more relevant than the battle to be the first out with a production car that does more than 300mph. In the same way the Jaguar XK120 eventually gave us everyday hatchbacks that could crack 120mph, maybe one day we’ll all be driving cars that do upwards of 200 to a gallon.

The first time I see some City stockbroker type driving an XL1 won’t be a moment of utter contempt. It’ll be quiet respect for someone test-piloting the future.

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The Volkswagen Golf GTE is a hot hatch Greenpeace can get excited about

BOFFINS in a bunker deep beneath Volkswagen’s headquarters have mooned at the laws of logic with their latest model. Somehow, they’ve managed to serve roast beef and sushi on the same plate, and in a way that’s weirdly appetising.

Translated into layman’s English, the German car giant’s latest model manages to combine what should be two diametrically opposed strands of motoring. Hot hatches are feisty, fun and powerful, and eco-friendly hybrids emphatically aren’t.

The two might be about as easy to blend as oil and water, but that hasn’t stopped Europe’s biggest car maker from having a crack anyway.

To be fair, the idea of a hybrid that’s fun to drive isn’t exactly unprecedented. Anyone who owns a Honda CR-Z already knows that it’s entirely possible to drop a Captain Planet-pleasing powerplant which runs largely on lettuce and mineral water into a car that’s eager and exciting to hoof about in.

It’s just a shame that – for all the MUGEN-branded tuned up versions knocking around – Honda never came good on the CR-Z’s sports car potential. No matter how well it handles, the range-topping GT version has just 122bhp. Perhaps it’s just perceived wisdom that you can’t make a car please the hot hatch brigade and appease Greenpeace at the same time.

Or it at least will be until VW’s new hot hatch arrives.

It’s a simple idea – forty years ago VW popularised the hot hatch with the Golf GTI, and in 2009 it managed to translate the idea into coherent diesel by introducing the torque-tastic GTD. Now it’s swapped the last letter again to create a plug-in hybrid version of Germany’s favourite pocket rocket – yes, it’s the Golf GTE!

The E, in case, you hadn’t already worked it out, stands for Electric, because this particular Golf ditches the GTI’s big engine in favour of a small one and some electric motors to develop the same sort of power. Add the two together and you’ve got the equivalent of 204bhp.What’s more, when you aren’t driving like a speed-addicted yoof you can do 31 miles on electricity alone, saving the polar bears as you glide silently along.

More importantly, the GTE proves the future is arriving quicker these days. When Mercedes introduced the airbag on the S-Class we had to wait 15 years for it to reach family hatchbacks. The GTE’s premise of a performance car aided by electricity is exactly the same as the trick the McLaren P1 and the Porsche 918 make their shtick, and yet you can get it in affordable Golf form at the end of the year.

Who said saving the planet couldn’t be fun?

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Most car interiors are still in the dark ages

THAT demented artist of Fast Show Fame, Johnny Nice Painter, would have had a field day with the latest hatchback I’ve driven.

My abiding memory of the Audi A1 a colleague and I had the pleasure of piloting wasn’t that we had the delicious irony of driving an A1 car along the A1 road, or that it suffered from having a particularly dim-witted automatic which forever wanted to change up. No, it was that once you’d clambered inside absolutely everything – dashboard, floors, seats, even the headling along the roof – was black. Black! Black! Black like the dark that envelopes us all!

Comically challenged painters aside, the A1’s unrelenting sea of blackness does raise a question which has longed irked me about today’s cars. Why are almost all of them various shades of black and grey?

Ingolstadt’s smallest offering is by no means the worst offender – I’ve driven countless cars, usually German hatchbacks, which offer the owner an interior which is virtually indestructible but with all the flair and colour of a prison cell in Dresden. It’s as though the VW Group’s chief designers invited Joy Division, Morrissey and LS Lowry to create a car interior which would perfectly encapsulate the steely industrial feel of Manchester on a grey Monday morning, and have – save for a few chrome flourishes in recent years – stuck with it.

Is there some unwritten rule that car interiors have to be crushingly dull, so that drivers are forced to look at the (equally grey) road instead? It’s got to stop. There are a few rare flickers of light in the car cabin world – step forward, Fiat 500 – but it seems ludicrous that you can specify pretty much any interior colour you like at B&Q and fifty shades of grey at BMW.

Surely, in today’s era of Grand Designs and trendy hotel rooms, we deserve to be able to go into a car showroom and pick out whichever pastel shades please us most? For what it’s worth, I reckon it would make us happier drivers, and a happy driver is a safe one.

I know lots of people – including one chap who enjoyed a four hour commute every day - who spend very nearly as much time in the car as they do in the house. Would you decorate your living room to look like the inside of the new Volkswagen Golf?

Nope, neither would I.

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300bhp in a Volkswagen Golf!

VOLKSWAGEN has announced prices for the most powerful production Golf ever this week.

 Prices for the range-topping Golf R, which offers up no less than 300bhp in the familiar hatchback package, start at £29,900 for the three-door version, and £30,555 for the five-door model.

While VW is keen to point out that the new R is a little lighter - all of 46kg - and more economical than its predecessor, the good news for keen drivers is that it rides lower and punches harder than the current Golf GTi, and allows anyone keen on their track days to fully disengage the hot hatch's armada of electronic stability systems.

While the top speed is limited to 155mph, the run to sixty depends entirely on which of the two gearboxes you go for - in the old fashioned manual, it's 5.3 seconds, but you can shave a further four tenths off if you go for the double-clutch DSG system.

To find out more about the new model, which uses an uprated version of the GTI’s engine and a Haldex four wheel drive system, go online to www.volkswagen.co.uk

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VW's electronic nannying makes me want to rage against the machine

IT’S a debate that 21st century philosophers ought to be debating. Is it right to reprimanded by your car?

I was thinking this last weekend, when – having successfully navigated 65 miles across two different counties – the electronic brain of the Volkswagen Polo I’d borrowed decided to give me some help with parking. Help, incidentally, that I hadn’t asked it for.

“LOOK!” the digital readout on the dashboard screamed. “SAFE TO MOVE?”

The Polo might have gained a bit of girth over its 40 year career, admittedly, but it’s still what I’d call a small car. Even Maureen from Driving School could master it. Yet the Polo’s electronic brain, in its better wisdom, decided it needed to remind me anyway that I need to look before I back into a parking space.

It gets worse. Germany’s supermini of choice also decided that the last thing I needed while backing up a small hatchback was music distracting me from the job in hand, so it automatically turned the radio down and steadfastly refused to let me turn back up again.

Katy Perry’s roar, it insisted, would be a distant hum for the duration of the parking. Drivers with tasks as dangerous as a bay park deserve not the dulcet tones of Russell Brand’s ex-wife!

I got out of the Polo a bit peeved, wondering whether I’d somehow annoyed it earlier on with a fluffed gearchange or a cheeky overtake, and it’d decided I was an idiot and therefore needed all the help I could get. Despite it being a sturdily-built, family-friendly package that’s blessed with tidy handling and restrained good looks, my overall verdict on the Polo is that it’s never good for a car to be patronising.

True, drivers too stupid to put on their seatbelts deserve the book – and some safety beeps bonging out of the dashboard – thrown at them, and even I’ll grudgingly admit the high pitched whine almost every modern motor makes when you forget to turn the lights off has saved me the occasional flat battery. When I’m driving, however, I’m the boss and I’ll reverse however I choose to. If I prang an L-reg Fiesta in the process – and, in five years of driving, I’ve never yet come close – then that’s my lookout.

I suspect that, hundreds of miles away, in a bunker in deepest Wolfsburg, some VW engineers decided to instil the Polo with its annoying Nanny State tendencies in a bid to avoid Polo owners going to Claims Direct in about ten years’ time because they’ve reversed into pedestrians. Maybe it’ll become compulsory in the distant future, and for someone who takes pride in how they drive, that worries me.

Given the choice between cars which constantly tell you what to do, and Katy Perry, I know which I’d pick.

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SEAT needs to find its signature dish

WHEN Withnail and I paid a visit to Penrith they demanded the finest wines known to humanity. When my companion and I ended up there, on a soaked excuse for an evening last week, we ended up staring at the menu outside a Spanish restaurant.

I mention this because – even with every other restaurant in town shut for the night – we still preferred to pop to the nearest chip shop instead because we just didn’t fancy Spanish cuisine. There’s nothing wrong with Spanish cuisine, of course – we just decided we’d rather dine on something slightly more familiar.

It’s exactly the same, I reckon with Spanish cars – by which, of course, I mean SEAT. So far this year, I’ve tried both the new Leon and the hatchback it replaced, and both ticked all the buttons in a nourishing, one-of-your-five-a-day sort of way. Both were effortless when they were on the motorway, entertaining when they weren’t and built with the sort of attention to detail that’d give a chess champion a headache.

Great cars, then, but I can’t think of a single reason why you’d buy one.

SEATs are supposed to be the sportier Spanish cousins of VWs but they aren’t – they are, especially if you look at the Mii and the Alhambra, VW models with a slight nip ‘n’ tuck and a different badge. If I want a VW with a sense of mischief, I’ll get a Golf GTI.

"But SEATs are usefully cheaper than VWs, aren’t they?" I hear you cry. Again, SEAT’s usurped on this one by Skoda, who not only make their cars cheaper than VW’s but more interesting and engaging too. The Yeti, in particular, fills a niche nobody else at Europe’s biggest car maker does by being the perfect car for anyone who owns a Labrador, while the Superb caters perfectly for anyone looking for a car with an overly confident name. They might as well have called it the Skoda Awesome or even the Skoda Screw You, It’s Better Than Your Car, Mate.

SEAT, on the other hand, produces a range of cars that are just as good as anything VW, Skoda and Audi can come up with but there’s no signature dish to woo you with its exotic aromas. There’s no impossibly powerful Leon Cupra R any more, or a small sports car to fill the gap the Fiat Barchetta and the MGF left. Reheating what was admittedly a great dish – the old Audi A4 – in the microwave is not going to get my tastebuds going.

For now, my vote’s still with fish and chips. The Ford Focus, in other words.

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Why the VW Up GT could be the perfect car for West Lancashire

GREAT news if you’re a petrolhead in Parbold. VW could be about to launch the perfect set of wheels for West Lancashire.

I worked this out the other day when I was buzzing down the country lanes the other day, in a bottom-of-the-range Volkswagen Up. The cheapest car Europe’s biggest car company makes – if you discount its cheaper but otherwise identical cousins, the Skoda Citigo and the SEAT Mii – is one I’ve just spent the best part of 2,000 miles with. It’s a flawed gem of a car because it comes with as many drawbacks as it does delights – but that’s why I’m convinced this tiny city tot is perfect if you’re darting around the outskirts of Ormskirk.

Its 1.0 litre, triple-cylinder engine is perfect, for instance, for dealing with the rash of 20mph speed limits recently imposed across much of the borough, but it’s very hard work on the motorway. When you put your foot down, the sixty horses beneath the bonnet don’t rampage to the rescue – they call a meeting, to discuss at length how best to deal with the unexpected demand for some oomph. Eventually, long after the overtaking opportunity’s gone, they reluctantly deal you some speed.

The Up’s also hampered by a tiny boot, but by far its most annoying feature is the lack of fuel range. It’s superbly good at sipping the unleaded rather than downing it like a student at a freshers party, but because it’ll only take £45’s worth you’re forever stopping to fill it up on longer trips. These however, are minor moans about a motor I’ve really grown fond of. I love the faintly Porsche-esque throb the three cylinder motor makes – at least it sounds fast – and that it offers handling, rather than grip, through the bends. It’s also cheap to buy and run, pleasing to behold and far better trimmed on the inside than its Citroen, Peugeot and Fiat rivals.

Its petite proportions mean it’s perfectly sized for the narrow lanes which cris-cross West Lancashire, the suspension’s smooth enough to iron out the bits the county council haven’t got around to mending yet, and the handling means you can tackle the many corners with confidence. In fact, all it needs is a bit more power, to deal with the climb over Parbold Hill.

Luckily, VW has realised this and is getting ready to release the Up GT, the 109bhp hot hatch version, any day now. If they sort out it out with a bigger fuel tank, it really could be the perfect car for West Lancashire’s roads.

Can’t wait to find out.

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Future classics - my top ten tips

SUPPOSE you’ve got motoring’s equivalent of Mystic Meg’s crystal ball. What do you reckon it’d reveal as being the classic car stars of tomorrow?

One of the most fascinating pieces I’ve written for Classic Car Weekly so far is a rundown of what the secondhand experts at CAP have chosen as their candidates for automotive investments, which is as intriguing for what didn’t make the cut as the 20 modern motors which did. Everyone’s got their opinion as to what’ll be the stars of shows up and down the land in 10 or 15 years’ time, and with the article done and dusted I can finally get a few of my own favourites off my chest...

1) MAZDA MX-5 (1989 – 1998) The fact no less than four of the Classic Car Weekly team have owned one – including Yours Truly – speaks volumes about this ultra-reliable, ultra-fun and, for the time being at least, ultra-cheap rear-drive ragtop. Consider my shoes eaten if this isn’t a mainstay of the classic movement in 15 years time.

 2) PEUGEOT 106 GTI/RALLYE (1997 – 2004)Brilliant fun, perfectly packaged and already becoming increasingly sought after by hot hatch hunters. In fact, it’s looking increasingly likely the MX-5-shaped void in my life might get filled by a 106 GTI. Should I? Shouldn’t I?

3) ROVER 75 (1999 - 2005) I’ve already written that Rover’s swansong is tomorrow’s P6, and I still reckon a well-looked example – or its sportier sister, the MG ZT – is as cheap as it’s ever going to be. There’s plenty on offer right now for under a grand, but give it a decade and good examples of these gentle giants will be sought after.

4) FORD RACING PUMA (2000) You could argue the little Puma is tomorrow’s Capri, in which case this is the ultra-rare Tickford (in fact, just like its turbocharged Capri ancestor, the Racing Puma is a Tickford creation). Prices are already much higher than the standard Pumas, but with the rarity of the Racing Puma and the loyal following it’s already attracting, there’s only one way prices will go.

5) RENAULT WIND (2010 - 2011)  I might have enjoyed the French firm’s Twingo-based two seater when it was new but the Great British Public didn’t, so while it’s a bit of a flop now its rarity should count in its favour. Quirky styling and fantastically simple flipping metal roof are bonus points on a car that, even now, you don’t see every day.

6) PEUGEOT 406 COUPE (1997 - 2004)Italian styling house Pininfarina worked wonders with the Parisian repmobile favourite to create a striking beautiful coupe. Best spec is the 3.0 V6 but 2.2 HDi versions are already proving popular with fuel-conscious enthusiasts.

7) FIAT COUPE 20V TURBO (1995 - 2000)As above, but with added Italian flair and loopy amounts of punch from the five-cylinder turbo beneath the bonnet. Any car that manages to make Fiat Tipo underpinnings look this good has got to be in with a shout.

 8) SUBARU IMPREZA TURBO (1994 - 2000) The original, four-door versions of the Scooby Pretzel are cheap now – you can, if you look carefully, pick them up for less than £1,500 – but it won’t be long before they’re being coveted as classics. Escort RS2000s, remember, were cheap and plentiful a long time ago...

9) BMW 8-SERIES (1990 - 1999) CAP’s list included no less than three BMWs, but they missed out this one, which price-wise is where the original 6-Series was 15 years ago. Not that I could afford to run around in a secondhand 850CSi, of course.

10) VOLKSWAGEN POLO G40 (1990 - 1994)  Only 600 imported into the UK originally and they’re rare, characterful pocket rockets now. Worth seeking one out for the addictive whine the supercharger makes. Plus, they go like stink.

Feel free, however, to disagree...

The full feature on CAP’s tips for future classic investments can be found in this week’s edition of Classic Car Weekly, published Wednesday, April 24.

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VW Golf GTD - a Genuinely Tantalising Diesel?

IF you’re the sort of driver who wants hot hatch thrills without the annoyingly frequent stops to fill up then this new Golf could be a great contender for your cash.

VW are wryly saying the GTD badge on this latest version stands for Genuinely Tantalising Diesel and it’s easy to see where they’re coming from, because this £25,285 model offers up the same sort of punch and poise as its petrol-fuelled GTI cousin, but with an extra helping of economy thanks to it using a 2.0 litre turbodiesel engine.

Admittedly it’s not as fast as a Golf GTI – the dash from 0 to 60mph takes a second longer and the top speed is 142mph to the GTI’s 153mph – but you get more torque for when you’re overtaking, and more miles for your gallon when you’re not. Go-faster family hatches which fill up at the black pumps aren't exactly a new idea either - VW's sister brand Skoda, in particular, has carved itself a bit of niche when its Fabia vRS intially came along as an exclusively diesel-propelled pocket rocket.

With petrol prices forever threatening to surge past £1.40 a litre the torquey thump you get with diesels is becoming ever more tempting. Sure, you won't get the soundtrack or the rev-happy playfulness of the GTI, but you get mid-range wallop and the smugness of knowing you're winning on the economy front.

The Golf GTD, which commands a £310 premium over its predecessor, arrives in the UK later this year but is available to order now. Go to VW’s website at www.volkswagen.co.uk if you’re a grown-up boy racer frustrated by spiralling fuel prices.

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So you want a secondhand supermini...

AN OBSERVATION about first cars. All the sensible people I know, having chucked away their L-plates, go for something sensible that’ll start up first thing on a frosty morning. The petrolheads don’t. 

There’s a lot to be said for making for your first car an automotive adventure in itself, which is why my first car was a 1983 Mini. Despite being held together largely with gaffer tape and string I loved driving it but even I’ll concede it wasn’t exactly an everyday car, because every day was a new and exciting way for it to entertain you with a breakdown. Whisper it softly, but during my first stint as a reporter in North Wales my “everyday car” was a borrowed Vauxhall Corsa! 

So I understood completely when a friend asked for a few car buying suggestions, not on some crusty old Sixties sports car, but a sensible, cheap secondhand supermini that’d actually be capable of getting her and her clobber up to a new job in Northumberland. She also bought a Mini as her first car, and while she’d rather sell her right arm than her pride ‘n’ joy I can understand why she’d want a more sensible automotive sidekick for the long trips to the North East. 

There’s plenty on offer - even in these days of spiralling insurance, it’s still possible to buy, insure and tax a decent set of wheels for less than a grand – but if it were my money I’d be looking at Peugeot’s 306, VW’s Lupo, Skoda’s Fabia and the earlier, funkier versions of Toyota’s Yaris. They’re all usefully younger than my trusty old Rover, should eake out a few more miles to the gallon and – by virtue of being younger – have plenty of life left in them. The Peugeot, in particular, would offer you more smiles per gallon too because it’s always been a fine handler – perfect if your other car’s an old Mini and you’ve got some Northumbrian country roads to play with. 

But, when it came down to sealing the deal, it wasn’t a 306 she went for, or a Yaris, Fabia or Lupo for that matter. In fact, she’d gone for the supermini you can pick up for buttons these days because everybody owned one and as a result there’s still millions to choose from. The supermini I’ve driven on countless occasions and always secretly enjoyed because it rides and handles so well. The supermini, in fact, that I passed my driving test in and which – had I not decided to go for that infernal Mini – probably would’ve been my first car. 

The supermini I’d completely forgotten about. Ladies and gentleman, I give you the Ford Fiesta!

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E-up lad, this Volkswagen is now a production model!

FANS of The League of Gentleman, Wallace and Gromit and Stuart Maconie's marvellous funny Pies and Prejudice will doubtless delight that an electric VW concept car is now a production reality.

The e-up! is, of course, an all-electric, zero-emissions twist on the frugal and friendly up! city car that Life On Cars tested last year, which should be a good thing. All the eco-friendly goodness of something you plug into the mains at night, mixed with the style, solidity and strangely entertaining feel of its petrol-propelled counterpart.

But, as we pointed out more than three years ago, it has a stupid name because - in these parts of t'world, at least - it'll forever be confused with one of the phrases we Northerners use to greet one another. As a moniker e-up! takes me instantly into a world best summed up by that Hovis advert where a young boy pushes his bike up t'top o'world. E-up son, grand day t'take t'electric car t'pub!

Admittedly, I might have mocked VW just slightly in that original piece, by suggesting the e-up! match its Northern Soul name with a spec that includes a stereo which only plays Oasis and the Arctic Monkeys, the option of a hot hatch version called the YI rather than GTI to boost sales in Newcastle and Gateshead and proposed White Rose and Red Rose trim levels designed to appeal to subtly different customers in towns on either side t'pennines. What you'll actually get is the electronic equivalent of 55bhp, the chance to fill up 80% of its charge in less than half an hour and a top speed of 85mph, which is more likely to make it a hit in the likes of Huddersfield and Hebden Bridge.

T'e-up! - sorry, can't help it - will be available to order from VW showrooms across t'north of England from early next year. Grand!

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Double delight for Golf GTI fans

TO HOT hatch enthusiasts, playing Golf without the iconic GTI badge is a bit like enjoying fish without chips.

The seventh generation of the go-faster Volkswagen is being unveiled at this month's Geneva Motor Show, with plans to bring it to the company's British showrooms in June.

Keen drivers will be able to pick up two versions of the Golf GTI - the standard car, which has 217bhp, and the GTI Performance, which has an extra ten horses beneath the bonnet, along with bigger brakes and a limited slip diff helping to keep the front wheels under control. In the case of the Performance version, the GTI will be able to shoot to sixty miles an hour in 6.4 seconds and then onto a top speed of 155mph.

The order books for the new Golf GTI open at VW showrooms across the UK on March 26, with the exact prices and specifications set to be announced closed to the car's June launch.

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Fire up the... Volkswagen Golf GTI Cabriolet

PERHAPS it's a case of saving the best for last. Across the country fans of all things Volkswagen are being asked to give the new Golf a go, but in doing so they're missing out on the outgoing model's finest moments.

The sixth generation of Germany's bestseller wasn't exactly left wanting for kudos but that hasn't stopped the company from making sure it goes out with a bang rather than a whimper in the shadow of the slightly longer, roomier and sturdier new model. The Golf GTI Cabriolet covers two bits of automotive territory VW's awfully good at; the hot hatch, which it's been doing since the original Golf GTI of 1977, and the solidly-built ragtop beloved of middle class families everywhere.

Step aboard and it's business as usual for Golf lovers; detractors might call the interior dull, but Veedub fans will be delighted by the seemingly unbreakable build quality and the nice visual flourishes you get with the tartan seats and the subtle red stitching. It's also definitely a ragtop in the traditional sense- no folding metal roof here, sorry - but that's no bad thing because it a) keeps the boot free for things such as luggage and b) keeps the weight down, which means the performance familiar to fans of the GTI hatchback is still there in abundance.

All of which means you can enjoy this car's best feature - its engine, which thanks to having two litres and a turbo to call upon can muster up 208bhp. It's a fabulous bit of hardware which not makes this open-top Golf fast enough to wear the fabled GTI badge with pride but is smooth, rev-happy and happy to play along with enthusiastic driving.

But you can get this engine in the hatchback, which offers more practicality and ever so slightly sweeter handling for £3,000 less than this cabrio's £30k pricetag. Look at this car as an open-top hot hatch and you're missing the point, because it'll almost certainly seem too expensive. See it as a classy, go-faster cabrio that neatly fills the gap left by Saab's 9-3, however, and it's a very tempting prospect indeed.

Now all we need is some proper summer weather to enjoy it...

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Fire up the... Skoda Citigo

THE ONLY way is up! That's what Europe's biggest car company - the mighty VW Group - are hoping you'll conclude if you're thinking of buying a small car to squeeze into tight parking spaces.

Yet you don't actually have to stump up for a Volkswagen if you're looking to buy the up!, the German firm's smallest offering. Trek down to your nearest Skoda showroom and they'll happily sell you the same car in all but name. That's the joy of the Skoda Citigo.

Skoda, in case you hadn't noticed, stopped making Eastern Bloc oddities years ago and is now quietly taking over the world with a range of cleverly thought-out cars which are usefully cheaper than their VW cousins; the Yeti you'll already know and love, there's a new Octavia saloon on the way, and for anyone thinking of a Golf or Focus there's now the Rapid hatchback too. The Citigo's a bit more obviously related to its siblings - the aforementioned up! and the SEAT Mii - but that's by no means a bad thing.

You get, for instance, the same neatly-proportioned body, although the Skoda's styling is more conservative than the up!'s. You get the same 60bhp, 1.0 litre petrol powerplant with its offbeat engine note, the same gearbox, and the same solidly built, suprisingly roomy interior. You get an awful lot for your money but - and here's the important bit - you get it for quite a bit less than you would if you'd gone for the cachet of the VW badge instead. Depending on which version you go for, you can save roughly between £500 and a grand by opting for the Czech-badged car.

The trickier question, as I mentioned when I drove the up! earlier this year, is whether to go for it over a Fiat Panda, which lacks the Skoda's solidity and style but is roomier and more fun to drive. That's a tough one to call, but if you're dead set on the up! and its siblings you'll be quids in by swapping the Veedub badge for a Skoda one.

Clever marketing or VW shooting itself in the foot? You decide...

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Fire up the... Volkswagen up!

THINK of this not as a car, but as a sort of automotive Batman Begins. An attempt to get back to basics and inject a bit of freshness into a long-running franchise.

The franchise in question, of course, is Volkswagen's city car offerings, which way back in 1999 proved a bit of a hit with the trendy little Lupo. Yes, I know it was really a rebadged SEAT Arosa - which went on sale nearly three years earlier - but the Lupo's loopy headlights, the build quality, the fun-loving image and the cachet of the VW badge meant it sell.

It was a great package which its eventual sequel, the Fox, never really mastered. Bigger, duller and built to a budget, it never really caught the imagination in the same way the Lupo did, so VW's gone back to doing what it does best. Injecting everything you know and love about the Golf into a much, much smaller package.
Some of you might have already spotted a bit of a canine theme running through VW's small car names and I was hoping they would've called their new arrival something like Wolf or Coyote to carry it on but they've gone with up! instead, which is a stupid name. Don't bother writing in to say you've spotted a typo in that last sentence - it really is called the up!, which VW insists we all stick by. Not a chance. As they say in Essex, the only way is Up.

Luckily, it's a stupid name stuck on the back of what really is a good little car which captures the mood in much the same way the Lupo did. You might not get as much money for your metal as the Fox but VW has gone for quality over quantity and it shows - the interior, in particular, feels pretty much indestructible and is a delightfully quiet, solid sort of place to be. You can even fit four adults inside comfortably, and while the boot isn't going to take all their luggage for a long trip away it'll easily cope with anything a supermarket shop can throw at it.

Fiat's Panda, which I've already roadtested, is the city car you'd find me in because it gives you a bigger smile more of the time, but if you're an A3 or Golf driver who wants a small, sensible car but won't compromise on quality then you've really got to get one of these (or the pretty much identical SEAT Mii or Skoda Citigo, which are both the Up in all but name).

It works for exactly the same reason the Lupo did. It's a Golf, only much, much smaller.

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Fire up the... Volkswagen Beetle 1.4 TSI 160PS Design

ASPIRING hippies looking for bit of a flower power in the new Beetle are going to be dissapointed. Look as hard as you like but this openly retro Veedub doesn't have a vase.

The old Beetle - by which I mean the cutesy hatchback of 1990s vintage, not the clattery rear-engined original - had a slight notoriety because it was the only new car on sale which offered you a vase rather than an ashtray. It's a novelty that's vanished from the latest version, but don't let that put you off. If you really want somewhere to stick your flowers, go to a garden centre.

What it lacks in floral storage systems the new arrival makes up with having something much better; substance to match the groovy, Sixties-inspired styling. While there was nothing fundamentally wrong with the outgoing Beetle it was trying to compete with the MINI and the Fiat 500 with nothing more than a twelve-year-old shape and Golf mechanicals long past their sell by date to call upon; the new one, on the other hand, is genuinely new and an an awful lot better.

By far and away this Beetle's best bit is the interior, which is not only easier to live with than the last one but genuinely stylish too. The body coloured dashboard, the neatly integrated stereo, and the glovebox seemingly inspired by a SMEG fridge are a joy to behold, and has the same chunky, bombproof feel as everything else the enormous VW Group, Europe's biggest car company, makes.

It's no hot hatch to drive but for something that doesn't pretend to be it's a reassuring companion, with handling that's tidy rather than grin-wideningly fun. That said, the 160bhp petrol version I drove pulled more than quickly enough, and settled down to offer nothing more than an ambient hum on longer runs.

 The new Beetle, however, is all about looks and it's here where I genuinely don't know whether it'll thrive or flop. I like it because it's more sophisticated and less cute than the old car - something I'd happily be seen in - but it loses a little impact in the process.

For nineteen grand it's a genuinely good offering. Perhaps one you'll love a little bit less, but definitely one you'll respect a whole lot more.

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