The Triumph Stag needs its own adjective

THE OTHER week I mentioned one of my petrolhead pals was threatening to blow five thousand of his carefully earned pounds on a Triumph Stag.

Luckily, he saw sense at the last minute and decided not to; he decided to chuck seven and a half bags of sand at one instead. That’s £7,500 on a 1970s convertible best known – unfairly or not - for its penchant for rotting and munching through head gaskets at the first hint of overheating. To make matters worse, even if you bag a really good one it’ll still struggle – and I’ve seen the fuel bills to prove it – to top 25 to the gallon. 

However, all of this pales into comparision with the really unhinged bit – almost immediately after doing the deal, the mate in question lobbed the keys in my direction and insisted I had a go. I returned half an hour later with an enormous grin on my face – and not even remotely envious! 

The tricky thing with the Stag is that while not being superlative or extraordinary in any one particular field, it covers all the bases with a caddish charm that’s surprisingly hard to pin down in print. It’s so difficult to define what underpins the Stag’s essence that it’s actually easier to associate it with things which have the same delightfully dated and yet somehow cool sense of aspiration. Things which are, in other words, a bit stagulent. 

Roger Moore, for instance, is stagulent, as were his attempts to charm Britt Ekland in The Man With The Golden Gun. Velour jackets and polka dot shirts (especially worn together) are stagulent, as is playing golf. Flying on Concorde was always a bit stagulent, as are Joanna Lumley, Directors Bitter, the whole of Harrogate, and reruns of The Persuaders!. Cars other than the Triumph Stag can be stagulent too; try the Jaguar XJ-S, or today’s BMW 6-Series Convertible and the Jaguar F-type. 

That’s why you’ll either ‘get’ Triumph’s V8-engined, Italian-styled, leatherette-lined cruiser or you won’t. It’s not the fastest, the nimblest, or best-built car you’ll ever drive but the looks, the rumble of the 3.0 litre engine when you shove the automatic gearbox into kickdown and the way it just lollops along effortlessly acts an automotive passport to some parallel world where everything is a bit more stylish, albeit in an irredeemably gaudy sort of way.

In short the Triumph Stag is thirsty, badly-made, not especially fast and looks like it’s escaped from a casino in 1970s Monte Carlo. I love it.

Image courtesy of Classic Car Weekly and Sam Skelton

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Tatton Park gets set for classic car spectacular

CAR lovers from across the North West will be converging on a stately home in Cheshire for one of the region’s biggest car shows next weekend.

The Classic and Performance Car Spectacular, which takes place at Tatton Park, is set to attract more than 2,000 classic cars, and this year features a special celebration of Triumph’s sports cars, particularly the TR7 and TR8 models.

The show, which is now is in its 28th year, will feature displays from more than 90 car clubs and individual entrants, and a well-established autojumble will give showgoers the chance to pick up a bargain from hundreds of parts and accessories on offer.

For more information about the show, which takes place on 31 May and 1 June, visit www.cheshireautopromotions.co.uk

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Car park at Donington proves an unlikely haven for classic spotters

ONE of the great things about going to a car show is that the automotive exotica isn't always limited to the exhibits inside the gates.

A lot of petrolheads enjoy taking their pride and joy to the event with them, which is why I've always reckoned it's worth having a nose around the car park before you head home to see if there's anything special hiding among the Astras and Qashqais.

In the case of this year's Donington Historic Festival the public car park proved to be particularly prolific, with the fantastically rare Porsche 911 Speedster you see above giving an idea of just some of the surprises in store.

Here's just a few of the automotive treats that were in store...

Traditionalist Morgan or exuberant Ferrari F355 - which would you pick for a blast through the countryside?

A sports car classic in Italian racing red takes centre stage in Donington's car park. Oh, and there's a Ferrari Dino too.

No prizes for guessing which one I'd pick...

Rover 214SEi owned by Yours Truly, Lotus Elise and Austin Healey Sprite pose for the camera.

How many car parks have you spotted an Alfa Romeo SZ in lately? Liking the Astra GTE alongside it too - a surprisingly rare sight on British roads these days!

Two very different Sixties classics - a Citroen DS21 and an MGB Roadster - add a touch of style to the car park.

Oh-so-Seventies shade of gold seems to suit this Series 3 Jaguar XJ6 perfectly.

Porsche 911 GT3 wins our approval. Questionable registration plate doesn't.

Ford Fiesta RS Turbo - when was the last time you saw one?

Check out Life On Cars later this week for some of the highlights from inside this year's Donington Historic Festival.

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Don't get stung by one of driving's biggest distractions

IT WAS on a fine summer’s afternoon I discovered perhaps the most dangerous driving distraction known to man.

The Government’s answered calls – although not on a mobile phone while at the wheel, obviously – to up the penalty for those caught texting while driving to ninety quid. Rightly so, I reckon, because trying to spk 2 ur m8 abt 2nite while at the helm of an Audi A4 in the outside lane is, in anyone’s book, a recipe for disaster.

Unfortunately, the Ministry of Transport hasn’t yet found ways to legislate against some equally attention-grabbing, but rather less avoidable, motoring distractions. Nanny State could, for example, do something about those lorries you always find conveniently parked up in fields alongside motorways and dual carriageways, but of far more pressing concern are the appalling spelling, grammatical and punctual errors on an alarming number of them. One, at the side of the A1, reads “Believe ON the Lord Jesus Christ”*, which constantly provokes in-car debate about whether it’s best to believe while standing, quite literally, on the son of God. Another, plugging a car care specialist, proclaims “Diesel’s repaired”. Is it? Trust me, there are few things more dangerous while driving on a dual carriageway than being forced to consult my imaginary copy of Eats, Shoots and Leaves.

There’s also the unavoidable motoring horror of the sneeze, which not only blinds you entirely for half a second or so but, if it catches you off-guard, leaves the inside of your windscreen covered in snot (interior windscreen wipers, by the way, could be a great suggestion for anyone thinking of entering Dragons’ Den). Driving while preoccupied by a recent bereavement is a no-no too, and if you’re a man, there’s the added distraction of billboards with pictures of Keira Knightley on them.

All of these however, pale into comparision with the distraction I encountered on that gloriously sunny afternoon in the North Yorkshire countryside. I was driving a bright yellow Triumph Spitfire – read badly built Mazda MX-5 if you haven’t done your GCSEs yet – down the country lanes, lapping up the rays, when a bee landed on the inside of the windscreen. Seconds later, it flew off and landed straight on my chest. All the advanced driving lessons in the world can’t help prepare you for a spot of motoring melissophobia. How I didn’t crash someone else’s prized classic sports car, I will never know!

What’s more, while bees are fairly benign creatures which only sting when they’re threatened, I dread the day when a wasp – a useless species which stings small children just for fun – decides to join me for the drive.

The Government don’t just need to clamp down on texting drivers. They need to ban wasps as well.

*I am aware that 'on' and 'in' are both, for historical reasons, considered acceptable, but it still draws up interesting debates about the evolution of the English language. Just one I'd prefer not to have while driving along the A1.

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